Losses

Losses are probably the absolute worst thing ever. It's a shame that I'm starting off with the worst thing ever, but that's just the way it goes, I guess. Things can only get...worse from here on out.

Anyway, losses are a mess. It just fucks up your entire perspective on the next couple days of your life. Example: a New York Jets' loss. I just cannot consume any kind of sports commentary until at least the Thursday following a Sunday loss. This is aggravating. Allow me to explain.

1.) Watching/reading sports commentary is heavily embedded in my daily routine. It is everywhere I turn, really. On my way to work? Sports talk radio. Now, misinformed dudes talking sports 24/7 is annoying to begin with, but it is taken to a whole new level the days following a loss. It's like...someone gave you a million paper cuts on your lips and then forced you to eat a salad swimming in Italian dressing. Brutal. Sports radio is a definite no-go on the way to work. This leaves you with FM radio - no thanks - or your iPod. Since I am going through one of those periods where I hate everything in my library, this is also not an option. Looks like its just me and mind-numbing silence while I sit in traffic and watch people bicycle past me. Healthier and happier.

Then, when I get to work, the first thing I do is go to my office, fire up the old gmail, click "reader" and start checking out the latest news. Except now, thanks to a loss, my selection is limited. After the Jets lost to the (fucking) Bills, no thejetsblog.com for me! No checking of the various beat writers' blogs on the Jets. Off limits. And what's worse, with Google Reader, you are able to see the amount of unread posts, so those bad boys just keep piling up as the week progresses. The good times you could be having while neglecting work, had your favorite team not shit themselves the day before, is given a value that always increases:  Inside the Jets (17) - Awesome! And, I know, I know, there is a lab to disable this feature, but I can't be bothered to enable it.


2.) This forces me to do actual work, which is infinitely less fun than reading about sports.

3.) Ever accidentally catch sports analysis during one of these weeks? Oof. What a disaster. It's Wednesday after the Jets just get manhandled by the Dolphins and the Wildcat.*  I get in the car to drive back to work after a conference. As we discussed, I listen to sports radio in my car, and specifically, it is always tuned to the Fan here in New York.  As soon as I turn the ignition this particular Wednesday, everyone's favorite sports cannoli, Mike Francesca, is just hammering away at Sanchez. "He should be benched", "he's probably too busy taking pictures with attractive women", "a nice veal parmigiana would really hit the spot", and other clever barbs.

Here you are, some poor rat in the race, and you've spent the better part of the week trying to protect yourself from all this stuff - no reading at work, you avoid ESPN like the plague - and then, in one vicious blow, Francesca comes in and re-ruins your week. Its awful.

Another problem with Losses is that they wreak havoc on your real-life relationships. Take my wife, for instance. She knows not to bother me if/when the Jets or Yankees lose. It's actually very sweet of her. She's pretty cool, really. She's not one of those "nag you til the day you die" types. She knows I like sports, and it doesn't bother her. But, there is definitely a problem here. She knows that I become so irritated/disgusted/despondent by a loss that she just does not talk to me because she thinks I might do something to her. Honestly, that's got to be the reason, right? Why else would she react this way? She has made the decision that it is in her own best interests to leave me alone. She doesn't want to be the straw that broke the camel's back. This is not normal human behavior.

Losses are so terrible that my wife thinks that I may do something horrible to her if she screws up. They are the worst.

*Of course there is going to be a post about the Wildcat.